My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
