We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
