I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
