god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
