just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
