dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
