I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
