Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
