At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
