My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
