i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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