That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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