Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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