I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
