dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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