Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
