I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
