Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
