you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
