they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
