I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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