she kept yelling 'call me bella'
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
