Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
