Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
