Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
