My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
