Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
