Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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