apparently the secret to your success is patron
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You may now shotgun with the bride
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
