I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
