omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
