I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
