i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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