Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
