she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
