you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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