You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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