I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
