Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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