Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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