Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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