i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
