Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
