Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
