Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
