Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
