In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
