I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
