remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Farmville is her only friend.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
