I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
