Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
